Neverending Story

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I never died, I just stopped letting you live. Actually, correction, I just never stopped you from letting yourselves die. Across millenia I have existed and endured, borne by the interminable celestial forces that govern us all. I have felt uncountable neutrons and protons, atoms and molecules shape and reshape themselves into larger beings for the briefest flashes of time, to twinkle with the brightness of conscience for but a cosmic moment, and then disintegrate into nothingness; to crumble away and fall into the bottomless, awning crevice of yesterday.

I have seen each shape, each form declare itself the one who will inherit my being, and heard that voice echoed by a thousand more, before being stilled into nothingness. I have felt them all, over moments that lasted millenia, and millenia that flashed by faster than the memory of a dream. I have seen them struggle to understand, and die before they could even begin to.  And when sometimes someone did understand, I have seen others come in and twist and turn and bend and scorch and blacken that understanding into a snarling, squirming bundle of hate; all talons and teeth. And then I have seen them rip into each other in a way baser beings never could. I have seen them spend hours and years thinking about new ways to cause others to disintegrate faster than they would. And I have shuddered as they all found the ways, and they all used the machines.

Yes, I have shuddered. And yet, as the skies blackened, and the waters turned toxic and fell on them from above, and the leaves turned white with pain, I have endured. As the angry fires lay down to sleep because they had nothing else to burn, and the smoke created vortexes of hell on earth, I have endured. And as it all went quiet, and dark and dead, I have endured. I have endured, and I have existed. For I know, someday the black shell will split open, and the atoms and molecules and protons and neutrons will re-assimilate into another little speck of green. And it will turn to the sun, and wave.

And it will all begin again.

Movie Review: Drive

Warning, this review contains spoilers

There is a scene in an elevator where the driver (Ryan Gosling) draws the woman he's been falling in love with over the last one and a half hours or so, and proceeds to kiss her. Deeply. Passionately. Less than a minute later he's stomping a man's head into bloody pulp in that same elevator while the woman watches, her face a mask of shock and then, pain.

Drive is that kind of a movie.

The promos have mostly made it out to be an action adventure movie. Fast and furious yes, but less racing stripes and more snarling gangsters. Drive is that movie sometimes, but often, its a love story that exists within itself. The driver (his name is never mentioned) is an urban cowboy, part Clint Eastwood, part Steve McQueen, although there are times when he shows a lot more vulnerability than both. He's a mechanic who hires himself out as a stunt driver. He also hires himself out as a wheelman for small-time criminals sticking up pawnshops and warehouses. He's very good at what he does, and he manages to do be so through a combination of skill, horsepower and an encyclopedic knowledge of the city. Instead of trying to outrun and outgun his pursuers, he ducks into dark alleyways, parking lots and under flyovers with a smooth, serene confidence.

But then again, movies where the hero, operating on the wrong side of the law and yet very good at what they do, are common. What's not common is the love story and the amount of effort put into that story to make it tight and believable. He meets Irene for the first time in the elevator on the way up, and they exchange awkward smiles. The next time, he sees her in the supermarket shopping with her son. Later, he drives her home, her car having broken down. In the elevator, he bonds with her son, Benicio, over a game of who-blinks-first. She invites him in for a glass of water. Her husband is in prison and he's new to the apartment. We get to know little more about their backgrounds.



Meanwhile, the driver's boss Shannon has made a deal with two local mobsters, Bernie (Albert Brooks) and Nino (Ron Perlman). They will put up the money for a race car, and the driver will drive. Shannon is confident of his chances, but the people he deals with are not nice people. That's not a spoiler, it's obvious from the get-go. In a movie filled with small time criminals, they are medium-time; petty, violent, ruthless. One of them is played by Albert Brooks, and the other by Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman has of course, made a career playing tough guys, but Albert Brooks, known mostly for the voices he does for the Simpsons, is shockingly good. He's not slithery and cold, nor is he blustery. He's cruel in the most matter-of-fact way, with more than a hint of regret, but regret never comes before business. The kind of man who would comfort you gently as you bled to death, after he himself had slashed your wrists.



Driver spends a lot of time establishing the romance between the driver and Irene. It's paced slowly and allowed to develop, and while her fingers curling over his while they are on a drive is as physical as it gets (other than the aforementioned kiss, of course), its great to watch two very interesting characters communicate with glances and little gestures. It helps that Gosling and Mulligan are phenomenal actors.
However, the film picks up pace with the return of Irene's husband, Standard, from jail. Initially hostile to the driver character, he becomes friendlier after the driver helps him out. Standard could have been a stock character, and while he largely IS a plot device, the fact that he is played to be a decent human being who is truly regretful of what he has done and wants to change things is what keeps the film from moving into simple black and white territory. However, pretty soon, the film delves into the action and the tone changes completely, with intelligent car chases, shotgun battles, and lots and lots of blood. I didn't have a problem with the gore, but I can see why some people might.



There isn't a lot of suspense to the movie, so it's not a conventional thriller. The basic plot line is pretty easy to predict, but like many great movies, its not about the story, its how the story is told. And by giving us a stoic man-with-no-name hero who nevertheless breaks quite a few conventions about how such people are supposed to behave, and then surrounding him with characters you connect with and feel for, characters that vibrate with life, the movie tells a cracker of a story.

Review: Ra.One

 Warning: This review contains SPOILERS.

Also Warning: For this review I have shamelessly ripped off the Q&A format I saw on Topless Robot. Although to be fair, if they didn't want to be ripped off, they shouldn't have been one of the best and funniest geek sites online.

Another warning: It's really, really long. Also, it's not complimentary to the movie. If you are a fan, go away NOW!!!

So. Ra.One. Any good?
No

Really? That's it? Care to elaborate?
Do I have to?

It's a review. Yes you have to.
Ok. The movie opens with a press conference where Shahana Goswami is talking about the latest invention by "Barron Industries" to a roomful of toddlers. Actually wait, it's a roomful of adults with the intelligence level of toddlers, who when told that they are surrounded by INVISIBLE rays, attempt to swat them away. Anyway, the big plot point is that "Barron Industries" has found a way to tap into these rays and create matter with them.

Next, it's the traditional "hero ki entry", with SRK riding a low rent Tron bike knockoff across the landscape. Instead of the Tron light trails, it has animated dust. Badly animated dust. Seriously, it looks like the animation was done in a North Korean sweatshop with sticks and spit. Also, he's Mangafied.

Mangafied?Yup. SRK must have seen a trailer for one of the Final Fantasy games. Ergo, long, spiky, streaked hair, a costume that looks like someone took a shotgun to a belt buckle convention and a sword taller than he is.


But that's not the G.One look!
Chill. It's just a fantasy sequence. Here he is Lucifer, facing off the villain "Khalnayak", a cameo by guess who, on a mission to rescue Pryanka Chopra's cleavage. Before that he has to fend off three oriental women who are called "Iski Lee", "Uski Lee" and "Sabki Lee". Bring the kids, folks!

What??!!!
Hold your vomit. There's more. Turns out this is all a dream of SRKs son (Prateek Subramanium) , who, in the tradition of all Bollywood brats sports long hair that makes him look vaguely androgynous and totally douchy. Like all kids in sci-fi movies, is an expert hacker. Also, he's in school. As revenge for waking him up,  bratboy plays a video of the teacher (a large black lady), doing a pseudo striptease in tight clothes on the big classroom monitor. Why he HAD such a video in the first place is a disturbing question that remains unanswered. Oh, and Prateek makes it look like a classmate played the video, doubling the sexual harassment fun. But that's ok, because the classmate is a fat kid. (who also falls and gets ice-cream all over his face later in the movie. Oh, will the hilarity ever cease?).



Oooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. So, the comedy can get a bit sexist, what?
It's not limited to the child either. Minutes after appearing in his nerdy dad avatar, SRK drops his keys in a woman's cleavage. We are then supposed to guffaw as he makes groping motions and mispronounces the word "keys" to sound like "kiss".

Seriously? Isn't this film marketed as a kid's movie?
Yup. Those kid's are gonna need therapy.
Moving on, daddy SRK (Shekhar Subramanium) is a professional South Indian stereotype. He eats spaghetti with curd using his fingers, tries to emulate Michael Jackson and fails in a manner most "hilarious" and mispronounces "dude". He's also Shah Rukh Khan, so sometimes, jarringly, he strikes these typical SRK poses, especially during song sequences. Go figure. He's also a video game programmer and because his bratty kid loves bad guys (as evidenced by the Michael Jackson and Iron Maiden posters on his walls. His bratty kid apparently grew up in the 80's), he wants to make the antagonist in his next blockbuster game much more powerful than the hero. Yes, he works for the aforementioned Barron Industries which is apparently EA, Activision and Bioware all rolled into one. And they want to debut their next, and biggest game in India. Also, the entire team working on this game comprises of about ten people.

Is ANYTHING in this movie set in the real world?Well, I guess they were really trying to live up to the disclaimer about the movie being a work of fiction and any resemblance being purely coincidental.





So when do the superheroes come in?
About an hour too late. Be quiet. Anyway, so the game looks like a shitty Mortal Kombat ripoff. It also has only two characters, Ra.One, the bad guy, and G.One, the hero. Who looks like SRK.

So the biggest game company in the world is staking it's future on a game where the only playable character has the face of the lead programmer?
It's also the face of Shah Rukh Khan. Your Point?

I guess, but still, two characters? So the first fight is with the end boss?
Look, it also has only three arenas (The game calls them 'levels'). Let's accept the fact that the game is just a plot device and move on, OK? Otherwise we'll be here all week.

Ok.
Anyway, so it turns out that Ra.One has become self-aware (ooooooohhh!). During the game announcement party, he downloads himself into a life-size model of Ra.One that they just kept around. He then kills Akasi, an Asian American guy who does the motion capture for the game, and steals his appearence.

Steals his appearence? What the hell?
Yes, one of Ra.One's powers is that he is T1000 from Terminator 2. In fact, a lot of this movie is from Terminator 2, with sequences entirely lifted.



But didn't he just download himself into a model? Can he manipulate matter?
Look, it has something to do with the invisible rays mentioned in the beginning of the movie, Ok? Invisible rays can manipulate matter. Simple as that.

So why does Ra.One escape? World domination? Hatred for humanity? Sheer pleasure of blowing shit up?
Actually, it's because Prateek beat him in Level 1 of the game, and then quit.

WTF??!!! That's it? That's the villain's big motivation? Killing a kid?
I know, but you have to understand that the entire game is three levels long, so it's like a major defeat. Plus, even I wanted to reach into the screen and throttle the smug SOB, and I didn't even play against him.

So what happens next?
Daddy SRK dies. The movie gets all serious, and actually, much better for a while, because the visual effects from then on are pretty slick.

So there's something good about the movie?
Sure! The stunts, the VFX, and even the look of Ra.One is very well done. Ra.One looks very creepy and angry, and in a better script, could have been an effective bad guy. Here, he strikes too many "cool" poses to be taken seriously.

So where's the hero? Where's G.One?
Still in the game. Not for long though. Once Prateek figures out Ra.One is after him, he downloads G.One to the real world. What follows is a pretty incredible chase sequence by Bollywood standards, and probably the most innovative action sequence I've seen in a long time. As long as this is on, the movie is very very good. Alas, after destroying Ra.One...

Destroying Ra.One? But isn't he the more powerful one? And he loses the first fight?
Yeah, doesn't make much sense here either. Anyway G.One destroys him and takes his HART.

Whoa, back up. What the hell is a HART?
Oh sorry, I missed that didn't I. Both Ra.One and G.One have little glowy chestpieces straight out of Iron Man called HARTs. The only way one can kill the other is by shooting him in the HART.

So the superheroes use guns here?
Not all guns. They get special weapons when they reach level three.

Level three? Level three of what?
The game, of course.

But they aren't in the game anymore!!!
Yeah.



So how do they kill each other?
Well, in the end of the film, they duke it out in a video gaming expo where three rooms have been designed to look like the three stages of the game.

And what if the expo never happened?
That's not explained very well.

Oooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk. So level three is essentially a shootout.
Not entirely. They both get just one bullet each.

What??!!! What if they both miss?
That's not explained either.

But G.One destroyed Ra.One and took his HART. How's that possible if the only way to kill him is in level three with a special gun?
No, see it's temporary destruction. Ra.One can re-assimilate himself.

So the fight doesn't end there, right?
No it does. Ra.One needs electricity to put himself back together.

What? Isn't Ra.One powered by invisible rays that are ALWAYS there?
Yes. And also electricity.

Urgh!  My head hurts.
Yes, that happens a lot.

So anyway, G.One takes his HART. That's good I guess. That way, in level three he can just shoot it without having to tangle with the villain.
No, it doesn't work that way. See, as long as their HARTs are not attached to them, both characters are invincible and the HARTs are also indestructible.

WHAT!!!?????
Yes.

So why does G.One take Ra.One's HART? He already beat him once, so I guess he's gone to level 2.
No he doesn't.

Why?
That's not explained very well.

Wait a minute. So if the only way to kill a player is by shooting his HART in level three, does it matter who wins the first two levels?
Well, they do say that the winners get more powerful.

But how does it matter? All the loser has to do in level 3 is take his HART off and he's immortal.
Yes.

Huh??!!!! That's like a cheat code built into the game!
Yes. Although Ra.One does say later that he's "incomplete" without the HART.

But what does that MEAN?
That's not explained very well. Look, can we move on? You're making me lose focus.

Ok. Go ahead. It's not like anything matters anymore!
That's the spirit. Anyway so Ra.One is temporarily smashed into invisible ray cubes and scattered all over the road. G.One catches up with Sonia (Kareena Kapoor), Shekhar's wife, who is trying to run from Ra.On with her son. What follows is more comedy with G.One and Sonia.



Comedy? Hasn't she JUST lost her husband?
Yes. 5 minutes ago she was sadly standing in the rain when they put Shahrukh in a coffin and then scattering his ashes?

In a coff....
Turns out the filmmakers got that right, in spite of some people being confused by it. Apparently in the UK, you have to put a guy in a coffin before cremation. It was a refreshing change of pace.

What? The somber mood?
No, the filmmakers getting something right.

Ok. So more sexist comedy.
Actually it's gay joke time. Prateek and Sonia are going back to India, but G.One cannot pass through the metal detector. So G.One knocks out a punk and takes his piercings.

But you have to take off all such ornaments in airports!
Not in SRK world. Here gay security officials scan you and bite their lips in ecstasy when the metal detector beeps and you unbutton your shirt to show off your pierced nipple.

Nipple? But he's a model/robot designed to promote a video game!!!!!
Yes

WHY DOES HE HAVE NIPPLES? AND WHY DOES HIS ENTIRE BODY NOT LIGHT UP THE METAL DETECTOR LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?????????????????
Invisible rays

You're just saying that now, aren't you?
Yes. We will move on.
Back in India, there's more comedy with G.One groping Sonia's unmentionables during a fight with a dozen ruffians at the airport.

So G.One gives himself away to a bunch of police officers?
No. Police or security never appear.

There's a melee right in front of the Mumbai International Airport and there's no cops?
None. But you know who does show up? Chitti.

Chitti?
The robot played by Rajnikant in 'Robot'. Only Sonia grins, touches her forehead and calls him "Rajni Sir".

So it's Rajnikant dressed as Chitti?
No. G.One's digital display identifies him as Chitti. Also, Chitti uses his magnetic powers on the villains.

But....that makes.....WTF.....Huh???!!!!!
Yes. G.One, Superstar Rajnikant and Chitti occupy the same universe. Invisible rays.



I feel faint.
So do I. Back home, even more comedy. Bratty kid puts on the gaming suit...

Gaming suit?
Yes. Didn't I mention this? Ra.One is a virtual reality game. You put on the suit and glasses and the game avatar mimics your exact motions.

That's actually pretty cool.
Yes it is. In theory. In practice you have to be a martial artist and an acrobat to even have a chance at this game. Remember, I said EXACT motions. So if you want G.One to do a backflip, YOU have to do a backflip.

Hmmm. That wouldn't sell very well, would it?
No. But in this movie, who cares? Anyway so the kid puts on the suit and makes G.One do pelvic thrusts near his mother.

Let me get this straight. The kid, who JUST lost his father in a violent accident. makes a robot who looks like his dead dad do pelvic thrusts near his mother?
Yes.

The kid is gonna need therapy.
I watched the movie. I'm gonna need therapy.

Anyway, so what happens next?
Ra.One is able to track them down because G.One still has his HART.

What!!?? If that's the case why did G.One take the HART in the first place???
That's not explained very well. Invisible rays??

Urghhhh!!!!
Exactly. Anyway so he kidnaps the kid and forces mommy to crash a train. Then he gives the hero a diabolical choice, save the kid or save the mommy.

Original!!
Yes. Although, since the special effects take over, the movie is watchable again. It's a lot of fun to see such extravagant VFX set in Mumbai.

Cool!
Very. Anyway, so G.One meets up with Ra.One, throws a few quips, gets beaten up till level three and then kills him. Oh, and he takes his HART off, so Ra.One can't kill him first.

Dare I ask why Ra.One doesn't do the same thing?
That's not explained very well. Although he does make 9 copies of himself.

So given the choice between making the job impossible for the hero, and somewhat more difficult, he chooses to make it more difficult.
Yes.

But not impossible.
Yes.

Ra.One is the most sporting villain EVER!
Yes.



Hmm. So it was a pretty bad movie.
Actually, once could wrap my head around the fact that this was absolutely typical, run-of-the-mill, Bollywood fare, I could enjoy the film in patches. The problem was one of expectations. The movie was built up like it would be something big. Something that mattered. It didn't. It didn't have the epic feel that a superhero movie should have. Everything, from the villain's motivation to the script felt decidedly scaled down and even....cheap. Also, the film didn't know what it was. Was it a slick superhero movie? Was it typical Bollywood masala? Was it a kid's movie? Parts of the movie didn't feel like they fit with the other parts. And the comedy didn't fit anywhere. It's was vulgar, it was unfunny and it was predictable. Vulgarity can be hilarious in the right hands even in Bollywood. Anubhav Sinha clearly doesn't have them. Also, words defy how irritating the kid is.

So did you like anything about the movie?
The special effects, as I said before are really good. Unfortunately, they're good by Bollywood standards. To the urban audience used to the Matrix and Dark Knight, they will seem workmanlike at best. The fights are also well choregraphed, with the first showdown between G.One and Ra.One having a strange poetry to it.Oh, and Akon. He is phenomenal. That he has sung the entire "Chammak Challo", a song largely in Hindi, is unbelievable. Lower your expectations and wait for the ticket prices to come down. That too if you are a die hard SRK/Sci Fi/Superhero movie fan. Otherwise, there are better movies out there.

PS: Why is it that films titled with the villain's names blow? First Ghajini, and now this.

Simla Sojourn (a.k.a a Ham-Handed Attempt at a Travelogue)

"Whatever you do, don't go to Kufri. It's basically little more than souvenir shops enveloped in an all-pervading aroma of horseshit."

So Kufri was out. As it is, this was going to be a pretty hectic tour, with a day here, a day there and a hyperactive seven-year-old all through. This is what the schedule looked like:

Delhi -> Chandigarh -> Simla -> Kalka -> Delhi -> Home

That, in a matter of less than a week. Clearly, it was a good thing the landscape was picturesque.



Remember the long train rides of your childhood? Remember how much fun it was, staring out the window and watching the landscape go by, the constantly changing flora and fauna, snapshots of people going about their lives? No? OK, so it wasn't THAT much fun as adults pretended it would be to keep us from fidgeting and asking questions, but it was better than nothing. Well, that's gone. Indian railways has reamed parents of little kids everywhere by plastering ads all over the train windows. While I'm sure converting the trains into traveling billboards makes the balance sheet look good, the same cannot be said of the view. A thin net-like material now covers almost all windows, through which only the barest, foggiest outline of the landscape is visible.



So yeah, instead of watching the world rush by, long journeys by train are now "family bonding time", which pretty soon escalates to "family blaming time" and then, my favorite, "family full-scale-argument time" with the entire carriage listening in with their ears quivering.

I kid, I kid. It's a great opportunity to get together as a family and talk about each others faults. But in a nice, constructive criticism-y way. Also, games of antakshari that last seconds (Sometimes even minutes!), before participants lose interest or realize they're too loud and stop abruptly. And of course, it's great fun arguing about who get's the top bunk, with the sacrificial lamb having to heave himself/herself all the way up, nearly falling off and crushing innocent co-passengers at least twice, before immediately realizing he/she has to pee right NOW and beginning the process anew. You can, as a family, also play a spirited game of "Hunt The Slipper". In fact, you WILL play a game of "Hunt The Slipper". Also, "Hunt The Sneakers", "Hunt The Socks" and "Hunt The Shoes". Here's a tip. They're all behind the three suitcases that have been shoved under the seats, in the hardest to reach corner. Have Fun!!

For dinner, there were options. Crummy options, but options. I could go for a Continental meal (oooh!), Indian vegetarian, or Indian non-vegetarian. Somehow, the Continental meal included noodles. Granted, Hong-Kong was once part of the British Empire, but it's still a stretch. I did go for it however, because I believe it's really difficult to fuck up noodles ( A belief that would be severely tested in the next week). That, and the fact that the Indian meal included a dish with chicken bits stewing listlessly in what looks like zombie vomit made it a really easy decision to make.

After dinner, beds were made, and after a bout of skillful negotiation with my wife about who gets the bottom bunk (OK, basically I just whined about my tiny bladder and how difficult it would be for me to repeatedly dismount from the top bunk. That, and I threatened to step on her on my way down), I helped her up, nearly dropped her, helped her up again, and finally laid my weary head to rest. Lights were switched off, mumbled conversations died out, and slowly, gently, imperceptibly I slipped into unconsciousness, lulled by the rocking of the train and the snoring of my parents.



Back To My Second Home

I missed Delhi. I didn't realize how much, but after spending two and a half years in a city, you are bound to accumulate some great memories. Unsurprisingly, most of mine involved food. Milk shakes at Keventer's, pastries and Shammi Kebabs at Wenger's, Mutton Burgers at Wimpy's - Delhi really found it's way to my heart through my stomach, and I was all set to be swept off my feet once more.

To be Continued....If I Feel Like It....